By Di Stalter

One of the most important lessons we need to teach our children is: You alone are responsible for your thoughts.

You choose what to think

Teach your children that they control how they feel about problems. They can choose to worry about them, complain about them or blame someone else for them. But, nothing will be resolved until they take responsibility for them.

Once they understand that they can choose not to worry, complain or blame, they can take the nest step and deal with the situation.

So, if you don't already, start teaching your children how to be responsible for their own thoughts.

When life hands you a difficult situation, don't complain about it. See the challenge and accept it. Find a solution.

Encourage them to look for any positive in the problem and work on it.

    * Assure them that when they find the solution, they will become stronger and things will get easier
    * Teach them to find a mantra for when problems pop up unexpectedly. This will teach them to immediately start looking for a solution instead of focusing blame or complaining. The mantra could be: "this is my responsibility", or "I choose how to fix this", or even "I own this".

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"Straight A" Parenting: Seven Surprising Solutions That Will Boost Kids' School Success (And Won't Cost You a Penny!)
School can be a competitive place, and helping your kids to stay at the head of the class can cause parents a lot of worry, as well as a lot of unnecessary dough. Parenting expert and educational psychologist Michele Borba, Ed.D., says that setting your kids up for success at school is surprisingly simple. And the best part? You can give your wallet a rest!

We are living in a fast-paced world that is constantly changing and evolving. Those who can't keep up get left behind in the dust of others who can. If you're a parent, this scary reality is just one more thing to worry about. You want to make sure your own kids are equipped with the tools they need to be successful in life. And you're all too aware that the process begins at a young age--and centers on how well children can perform in the classroom.

That's right. Academic success impacts our children for the rest of their lives: it influences their self-esteem, college selections, job attainment, financial success, and even their choice of spouses. It's no wonder we go to great lengths to give our kids an academic edge. But the good news, says parenting expert and educational psychologist Michele Borba, is that parents can give their kids the edge they need without the help of elite preschools, expensive tutors, or pricey evaluations.

"Despite their good intentions, parents often overlook a few simple strategies that research has proven to impact children's academic success," says Borba, author of the new book, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries (Jossey-Bass/A Wiley Imprint, September 2009, ISBN: 0787988316). "Even better, these seven science-backed solutions are things that every parent can do, they don't cost a dime, and they are proven to boost children's school success."

So what are these sure-fire methods for boosting your kids' learning potential? Read on for seven surprising simply solutions that every parent should have in his or her toolbox this school year:

Make sure your kids are getting enough zzz's (It will help them master those ABC's!). For busy parents, sleep deprivation is simply a way of life. But are your kids getting enough sleep each night? While 90 percent of parents believe the answer is yes, studies show that about one-third of those kids are actually sleep-deprived. And lack of sleep can have a serious impact on children's abilities to learn and perform at school. In fact, in one recent study, Tel Aviv University researchers found that missing just one hour of sleep can be enough to reduce a child's cognitive abilities by almost two years the next day. For example, a sixth grader who loses precious zzz's the night before a big test could end up performing at a fourth grade level.

"Setting and keeping to a nighttime routine is the key," explains Borba. "Set a bedtime and keep to it every single night. Flashing images affect REM, so be sure to turn off the computer and television at least 30 minutes prior to bedtime. Take away the cell phones during nighttime hours--62 percent of kids admit that they use it after the lights go out and their parents are clueless. And most importantly, watch out for caffeinated sleep stealers like cold medications, chocolate, or energy drinks. Once you make the nighttime routine a habit, you can be confident that your kids are getting the rest they need to perform to their potential at school."

Applaud their efforts the right way. Sure, you give your kids plenty of encouragement throughout the school year. But Borba says that it's the way you encourage them that impacts their success over the long term. Columbia University researchers found that how we praise our kids' schoolwork can actually enhance or impede their achievement. For example, instead of encouraging your child to bring home straight A's, put the emphasis on how hard she is working. This will encourage her to persist, and it will help to sustain her motivation. Kids who are praised for their persistence are more likely to blame any failure they have on not trying hard enough, rather than on a lack of ability (a belief that can discourage kids very easily). Above all, keep in mind that the grade is not what motivates a top student to succeed--it's her drive for learning.

"Praise your child's effort, not his IQ," Borba asserts. "Children who come to believe that their success in school is predetermined by inherent intelligence and not by the effort they put into it are less willing to take risks and work harder, and they have a much tougher time handling any setbacks. Cheer them on by saying things like, 'I'm so proud of how hard you're working at school' rather than praising their intelligence: 'You are so smart!' Simply adding the word 'because' to your praise makes it more specific, and your child will know exactly what he did right--which makes him more likely to repeat the action. Stress your child's effort, not the grade or test score, and you'll encourage him to be a motivated, hard-working, high-achieving student."

Respect their learning style. If your son insists on plugging into his iPod when he studies, or if your daughter swears that flash cards are the only way she can learn her spelling words--listen up! While you may prefer a quiet room with no distractions when it comes to getting work done, that doesn't mean it's the best way for your kids to concentrate and get down to business. Harvard researcher Howard Gardner's work shows that there are eight kinds of intelligences--or ways kids learn best--which include: musical, spatial, logical-mathematical, linguistic, bodily, intrapersonal, interpersonal, and naturalist. The trick, Borba says, is to pay attention to your kids so you can identify which type they are and tap into that learning style in order to help them be more successful.

"Help your child identify how he learns best, then find ways to use those strengths to boost learning success," suggests Borba. "Asking him some simple questions can help to give you clues as to what kind of learning style works best for him. Even better, as his parent, you probably already know the answer if you just think about it. All those little tricks that he has devised for himself along the way are probably nuances that you have noticed before but didn't pay attention to. The trick here is to respect his learning style--whether it means needing background noise, color-coding spelling words, or needing to see and touch the things he is learning about. You may be surprised at how quickly he'll excel when he's allowed to learn things in his own way."

Pay attention to their peers. Pals play an enormous part in shaping our kids' self-esteem, and research also reveals that whom our kids befriend can affect their study habits and their overall academic success. The truth of the matter is that peer pressure can have both positive and negative consequences on a child's education. If your child chooses friends who believe that education is important, chances are she will adopt those attitudes and put more emphasis on hitting the books harder and focusing more in class. On the flip side, if your child is best buddies with a kid who stays distracted during class, doesn't turn in homework assignments, and rarely studies before a big test, chances are she will fall in line with her friend's bad habits.

"Its important to pay attention to the study habits and education values of your child's friends to ensure that she is surrounding herself with peers who will set her up for success," Borba asserts. "Make your home a kid-friendly hangout so that you can become familiar with your child's friends. Help your child find friends with similar interests by getting her involved in extracurricular activities and clubs that will introduce her to like-minded pals. While younger kids choose their friends based on accessibility, older kids tend to choose friends based on similar values and interests. It's your job as a parent to set the standard for what those values and interests are.

"Oh, and one more interesting tidbit," Borba adds. "One study from Ohio State University found that kids are more likely to have friends with future college plans if they have a warm, positive relationship with their parents. So cultivate that kind of parenting style, and you'll help your child make the right friendship decisions!"

Make family meals a must. With busy after-school schedules and varying palates, it can be a daunting task to commit to a sit-down meal with your family on weeknights. If Timmy has soccer practice, you have PTA, and only half your kids will eat the meatloaf on tonight's menu, you may be tempted to forgo the nightly meal and let everyone fend for themselves. But Borba says to think twice before passing out the take-out menus: A recent study by Columbia University showed that kids whose families eat regular, relaxed meals together are not only less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol and develop eating disorders, they are also more likely to achieve higher grades.

"Family dinners do not have to consist of gourmet, five-course meals," asserts Borba. "Serve simple, healthy meals, turn off the television and unplug the phone, and enjoy each other's company. It doesn't have to be complicated. And if everyone in your family is on a different schedule and can't make it to dinner--don't worry! Consider instating an evening family snack time during which everyone can review their days with each other before bedtime. The trick is to find what works best for you family and turn it into a routine."

Squelch the stress...at home. Today's kids are facing more pressure than ever. They're growing up faster and having to face issues at a much younger age--not to mention peer pressure and the added stress related to making good grades and achieving high test scores. But Borba says that the stress that curbs kids' learning potential is coming from a place you may not have considered before: your home. Research shows that the conflict kids face at home spills over into their school life and impedes their learning. In fact, family-induced stress can affect kids' learning and behavior for up to two days following an incident.

"I like to tell families to take a vow of 'yellibacy'," says Borba. "Make your home a stress-free zone. Rather than devoting your evenings at home to sibling squabbles and dinnertime debates, find ways to de-stress with your kids. Take longs walks, read together, do yoga, or have a family movie night. Be a model to them on how to disagree without the converation ending in a screaming match--and never engage with a screamer. Teach your kids that it's okay for them to walk away from an argument until they are calm enough to return. Once you learn how to tune into your child's stress signs, you'll be able to recognize when he's on overload so that you can intervene and help him to decompress before something comes to blows."

Tailor expectations to your child's abilities. All parents want the very best for their kids. It's only natural! But if you think that your Ivy League aspirations are your child's only chance for success, Borba says its time to think about lowering your expectations. A survey by executive recruiter Spencer Stuart found that only 10 percent of CEOs steering Fortune 500 companies received an undergrad diploma from one of the pricey Ivey League schools. In fact, a Wall Street Journal review discovered that more than half of the CEOs of the 50 largest companies in the United States graduated from public colleges or universities.

"There's an important lesson to be learned here," explains Borba. "As a parent, you should consider your learning aspirations for your child to be a rubber band: gently stretch, but don't snap. Every child is different, and while it's okay to encourage them to try hard and achieve their best, it's also important to remember that 'the best' is different for every child. Just because your kid isn't composing his own symphonies or writing his memoirs by age 10, it doesn't mean that he won't still do great things with his life. Always remember this one commandment: 'Tailor thy parenting only to thy child.' You and your children will be happier and healthier for it.

Notice a common denominator? That's right: none of these tips require you to take out a second mortgage or get a second job. What they do require is your time, attention, and engagement.

"If you want to boost your kid's academic performance and see lasting results, it will take a few things from you: consistency, dedication, and patience," concludes Borba. "Those things are always better parenting tools than anything money can buy. And remember that no two kids are the same, even if they come from the same household. If you pay attention to the individual needs of each child and do what's right for them and for you, you'll see the payoff in their attitudes and their report cards in no time."


For more information, visit www.micheleborba.com.

By Joshua Uebergang

I want to firstly clear up a major parenting misconception: Is there one correct way to raise a child? Straight-up, the answer is there is no one right way to raise a child. Like buying a car, becoming friends with your neighbors, or hanging out your clothes to dry on the clothesline, there is no single correct style you need to use for raising a healthy-minded, loving, successful child.

Having said that, there are four parenting styles you need to be aware of in raising a child which does explain what parenting styles are best for a child. However, how you go about using the parenting styles is up to your own judgment. There is no one right way to use the styles because there are so many variables in parenting.

The four parenting styles based on research in parenting are:

   1. Low love/low limits
   2. Low love/high limits
   3. High love/low limits
   4. High love/high limits

articles on : Ezinearticles

By Leslie Davis

Experiencing a number of childhood stressors can harm the development of a child's brain and nervous system, leading to life-long health problems and diseases - and even premature death.

A study in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine determined that children exposed to six or more "adverse childhood experiences" (ACEs) were at twice the risk of premature death compared to children who had not suffered those experiences. The study was based on questionnaires given to more than 17,000 adults who visited Kaiser Permanente between 1995 and 1997, and looked at the long-term effects of the following ACEs:

    * Undergoing verbal or physical abuse
    * Having a battered mother and witnessing domestic violence
    * Living in a household with substance abuse or mental illness
    * Have an incarcerated household member
    * Having parents who are separated or divorced

"Overall, 1,539 people died during follow-up," said David W. Brown, D.Sc., the study's lead author and an epidemiologist at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "People with six or more ACEs died nearly 20 years earlier on average than those without ACEs. It is also disturbing that two-thirds of study participants - persons who were relatively well off - had at least one of the ACEs."

Children at the highest risk lived to an average age of 60, while those who were low risk lived to nearly 80, according to the study.

"It is important to understand that consequences to childhood trauma can extend over an individual's life," Brown said.

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By Angie Hutschreider angieh@newstribune.com


A personality is as unique as the person it belongs to. Most can change their personality to adjust to situations, some however cannot.

“With dependent personality disorder their style sometimes cannot change in response to changing conditions,” Dr. Joseph McCormack, licensed psychologist with St. Mary's Health Psychology said. “They have a problem adjusting because of this difficulty in flexibility in their personality style.”

Though dependent personality disorder is hard to diagnose, it causes great levels of discomfort for the person suffering from it.

“Typically people with personality disorders have a long standing pattern of mal-adjustment or some kind of difficulty with some relationships or functioning in society,” McCormack said.

People with dependent personality disorder do not trust their own ability to make decisions. They may have fears of separation and loss and may go to great lengths, even suffering abuse, to stay in a relationship.

“They have the ability to make the decisions, they often do not have the self confidence or faith in themselves to make decisions,” he said. “They always desire approval from others and often seek reassurance from others that they are making the right decision.”

Those with the disorder not only cling to a person, but the companionship a relationship provides for them.

“Many times if a relationship ends, the person will immediately seek another relationship,” McCormack said.

They are so preoccupied with abandonment that they may stay in relationships that are unhappy or even abusive.

“They have a hard time setting and sticking to limits. They are so attuned to maintain the connection to the other person that they edit what they say,” McCormack said. “They alter their comments and are not truly themselves.”

Some will also change their views or not speak of their views on politics, religion and other controversial subjects.

“They do not want to create tension or lose a friendship or relationship so they will say nothing or pretend to agree,” McCormack said.

While some may describe a person with dependent personality disorder as being unable to complete tasks or as being like a person with an attention disorder, McCormack says they most likely agreed wanting to make someone happy. They may also agree to the project, then fear what the final result will be and what others will say.

“They take on tasks without thinking about what it means for them,” McCormack said. “It goes along with them doing what they think will make others happy.”

“To a person with dependent personality disorder the connection to another person is paramount,” he said.

Dependent personality disorder is hard to diagnose, and often presents itself in the form of depression or anxiety; or is a co-occurring disorder.

“There are subtle signs, most people do not come in searching for treatment of the disorder,” McCormack said. “It is through them telling me about their life that I begin to see patterns and discover the disorder.”

Through the anxiety and depression many feel and when combined with little to no self confidence, the need for others is intensified.

“It is about reassurance,” McCormack said. “When any relationship ends there is a sense of loss, a feeling of grief. For these people with dependent personality disorder it is an immense fear and very hard to handle.”

Although the exact cause of dependent personality disorder is not known, it most likely involves both biological and developmental factors. Some researchers believe an authoritarian or overprotective parenting style can lead to the development of dependent personality traits in people who are susceptible to the disorder.

by: Karen Sze


I have often been asked by parents what constitutes "good" parenting. Isn't strict discipline always a good thing?

There are no clear-cut answers to these questions, but I'd say there are parenting styles that result in more positive, rewarding parent-child interaction than others.

Most recommended by child mental health experts is for parents to develop rules with children and at the same time be warm and affectionate with them.

This "authoritative" (not authoritarian) style of parenting is conducive to raising children who are cheerful, self- reliant and competent - thus less likely to develop psychopathology.

This explains to a certain degree why even children born with "difficult" or "fussy" temperament can emerge from childhood well-adjusted.

Here, the same cliche applies: good children are the fruit of good parenting.

Whenever I am on the topic of parenting, I'm reminded of a classic book recommended to me by one of my mentors: How to Talk To Kids So Kids Will Listen And So Kids Will Talk. What a lot of psychological insight packed in one title!

How often do parents tell you that they are constantly fighting with their children and their children won't listen or talk?

It will take a few issues for me to cover various useful parenting tips but this time around I will limit myself to sharing a fun but potentially powerful strategy to improve the parent-child relationship.

I often encounter parents whose relationship with their children are wrought with conflict and struggles due to frustration caused by children's disobedience and even symptoms of mental health problems.

Gradually good times dwindle to parents resorting to threats and punishment. Children lose respect and motivation to do good. This was exactly the case for a family I once saw.

The seven-year-old boy had attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

His mother felt that she had to constantly yell at the boy to get him to complete his homework, self-care routines and follow rules at home. "I don't think he listens to me anymore, or even cares about pleasing me," she said.

To enhance positive feelings between them, I used a simple family intervention technique named "special time."

The mother was asked to set aside a certain amount of time each day to be "special time" (for example, 20 to 30 minutes) with her child.

During this time, the boy is asked to choose the activity (recommended activities are those that lend themselves to interaction and mutual sharing, such as drawing, pretend play, building blocks) and mother is asked to focus only on having a good time with her child.

It was important that she refrain from asking too many questions or giving instructions, and instead to just notice or tune into what her child was doing.

Praise was important.

For example, when she noticed her child was building a castle with Legos, instead of saying: "You will need more blocks at the bottom" she commented with enthusiasm: "What a colorful castle you're making! I like that."

The goal is to build up positive interactions between parent and child so that the child will become more committed to pleasing the parents.

The mother in this case was surprised to find how many more things she could accomplish with her child and that he was more willing to talk and listen - just by paying positive attention and staying non-judgmental.

By Patricia Walker Platinum Quality Author

It's so easy to look at the huge list of things that must be done each morning and you get depressed that you don't even want to start the day. Many parents are buried in tasks and feel like they will never get everything accomplished and never get out from under their pile of tasks so that they can spend the quality time that they need to with their children.

Prioritizing your tasks is the best way to manage your time more effectively. Most people know this already, but they may not know how to prioritize a long list of tasks that need to be completed each day. By breaking your tasks down into categories, you can dramatically shorten your to-do list.

The key to prioritizing is to first take the time to sit down and organize the tasks that need to be done. Each night, make time to go over your "to-do" list for the next day. It doesn't have to take long, maybe five to ten minutes or so at most. I promise, it won't be a huge chore to do once you get in the habit of doing it each night.

Sit down with a notebook and a pen along with three different colored highlighters (you may even sit down at the computer to do this.) The purpose is to use a different color highlighter or even different color fonts (on your computer) for each priority level.

First, write down every thing that you need to accomplish and every errand you need to run; also, note when those things need to be done. Long list, isn't it? But don't panic; using the following tips will make that list more manageable.

High priority - Pick up a highlighter to use as your "Priority" color. Or, if you are on the computer, use your highlight option. Anything that absolutely needs to be done tomorrow highlight with the highlighter you've chosen. Include things like driving your kids to school, or picking them up at soccer practice as well as work items like meetings or appointments. Work is important, of course, but don't kid yourself; if your children need you, then other things may have to wait.

Medium Priority - Things that you need to be thinking about but that are not things that must be done that day should be highlighted in the new color. Things like 'print report for staff meeting Friday' or "drop off a check for son's sporting league by Wednesday" should be considered Medium Priority. They are things you need to do, but not necessarily today. You may end up moving these items to the high priority color on tomorrow night's list, but for tonight we can rest easier knowing if we don't have time to get to these, the world will not come to an end.

Low Priority - Things that you would like to accomplish but there won't be any serious consequences if you don't get them done are considered low priority. Don't feel bad if you don't have time to make it to these tasks during the day; they are things that can be done later on. The crazy thing is that the more you stick to your nightly priority list, the easier you will find it to find time to get to more of these low priority items!

And there you have it. The next day when waking up, look for the items/tasks that are highlighted in your "high priority" color. It's easy. Once you get in the habit of doing this every day (again...it takes minutes), you'll end up with a much more balanced and stress-free schedule that will allow you healthy chunks of quality time with your family.

Discover the importance of parenting with the best parenting advice available. It's all revealed at http://www.theparentingreport.com.

Re-establish Your Own Authority Even When Your Parenting Styles Differ
By Jennifer Wolf, About.com

You hear it all the time: "Daddy would let me" or "Mommy is never mean to me like you are." So how do you deal with having completely different parenting styles without compromising your values or coming across to your children like you're always "the bad guy?" Here are some tips for establishing your own authority even when the other parent continually gives in to the kids or doesn't subscribe to your style of parenting.

Stay Calm

Whether your children are genuinely expressing a simple observation about your different parenting styles, or are intentionally attempting to manipulate you into giving in to their desires, stay calm and avoid getting into a battle over the validity of your expectations. Remember that it is not your children's fault that you and your ex don't see eye-to-eye on the parenting front. So instead of growing angry and frustrated, train yourself to respond in a quiet, matter-of-fact manner. For example, you might say, "My rules are different from Daddy's (or Mommy's). Here, I expect you to do your homework before watching TV." Remember, too, that your rules aren't necessarily "better" than the other parent's rules--they're just different.


More: Alternatives to Taking Anger Out on Your Kids

Every parent and child, without exception, has a way of interacting with each other. Sometimes those interactions are highly positive and affirming; at other times they are volatile and counterproductive. Your style — and whether it meshes or clashes with your child's — strongly influences the relational dynamics in your family and how successful you'll be as a parent and a family in general.

Do you get certain feedback and responses in this relationship that say you're too rigid or strict or too lenient or permissive? What is it about this child's attitude or yours that is causing the problem? Do you need to approach this relationship differently — investing more energy in it for example? What style-related behaviors do you need to change in order to eliminate the confrontations, the conflict or the tug-of-wars that leave you drained and exhausted?

The following graphic illustrates how certain parenting styles link up and mesh well with certain children's response styles. To download a quiz identifying your parenting style, click here. (Adobe Acrobat is required. Click here to download the latest version.)

To identify your parenting style, your child's type and for strategies about managing the clash or confluence of styles, refer to Chapter Five in Dr. Phil's book Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family.

by Jay Reeve, PhD
Bradley Hospital psychologist

Parents are sometimes troubled by the fear that they are parenting the wrong way, and that their style of parenting may have negative effects on their children. However, research has consistently shown that there is a broad range of acceptable parenting styles, from highly structured to permissive. One of the keys to finding the "right" parenting style may be the personality of the child who is being parented. An analysis of self-report questionnaires completed by parents and childcare professionals in the community helped us to identify three distinct styles of parenting and the kind of children who can benefit from them.

    * The Authoritarian Style
      Authoritarian parents tend to be highly structured in their approach to child rearing. Without ever being abusive, they set high, consistent standards of behavior for their children and tend to require obedience. They set clear goals for children and make decisions with little reference to the children's input. This style of parenting appears to work very effectively in the long run for children with behavioral or conduct disorders. These "wild kids" need clarity, structure and authority, even though they may complain about it in the short run. The authoritarian style tends to work less well with shy, withdrawn children, who may be fearful or anxious with this level of control.

    * The Balanced Style
      Balanced parents tend to maintain a pretty even tone in their approach to child rearing, neither particularly firm nor particularly lax. They tend to use considerable structure in decision making, but will often leave the decision up to the child. This style of parenting is very effective with middle-of-the-road kids, who benefit from a balanced, structured approach. In contrast, children at either end of the spectrum, whether shy or wild, may feel lost or out of control with the balanced style.

    * The Permissive Style
      Permissive parents tend to let their children make many decisions, without being neglectful or careless of the child. While there has been a lot of negative comment recently about permissive parenting, this is actually the ideal parenting style for shy, withdrawn children, who need lots of love and encouragement, without too much structure, in order to let themselves begin to form relationships. On the other hand, this parenting style does not work well for rebellious or aggressive children, who need firmer limits to rein in their impulsiveness.

The important task in parenting appears to be matching your style to that of your child. This guide can help you recognize the style that can make things easier in dealing with your child.

Source: This article was originally published in Rhode Island Family Guide.