by Patty Wipfler

It's a big part of parenting
A big part of our experience as parents has to do with developing ways to address the deeply felt wants and needs of our children. We deal with wants and needs from our babies' earliest moments through their entry into young adulthood. We have to figure out what our children's real needs are, and what to do when they want things they don't need, or can't have. And we have to deal with our own feelings of sadness, frustration, or anger about how much they need and want. We are dedicated to making life as good as possible for them, but sooner or later we find it hard to be generous when our own needs for rest, reassurance, and resource aren't well met.

Whole books are written about the developmental needs of young children, so this little article won't try to point out the difference between needs and wants at a particular age or stage. Suffice it to say here that children need lots of undivided, warm attention from their parents and others around them. They need to be treated with respect. They need play, lots of room to experiment, and lots of positive response to who they are and what interesting experiments they do. They need information about what's going on around them, from the very beginning: their minds work beautifully, and from birth they fully understand the emotional import of every interaction with us. They also understand far more language than we realize. Even when we meet their needs well, there are moments every single day when our children long for attention or for things we can't give them the moment they feel the need. When Mommy and Daddy can handle these moments of intense longing gently and with understanding, it makes a huge difference in a child's life.

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 By Erin A. Kurt

Every parent has experienced the phenomena of their child begging for their favourite story to read, their favourite song to be played or their favourite movie to be watched for the 100th time.

Even though we adults might be tempted to hide the favourite book or introduce a new book, CD, or DVD, we must stop ourselves because our children are actually teaching us a huge lesson about how they want and need to be parented.

When our children repetitively make a request for their favourite story to be read, it is because children have an innate interest in 'mastery'. Of course they love to explore new toys, corners, books and movies, but once the all-important excitement of discovery has occurred, children set out to 'master' the things that interest them the most.

Mastery occurs through repetition. Young children are driven to discover and then master all aspects of their world.

Discipline is another area in which children innately crave mastery. Children test their parents because they are trying to figure out how their world works and what is acceptable behaviour. While they do their research they do things consciously and unconsciously to investigate their world and it's limits so that they are able to 'master' it.

The best thing parents can do is to learn a simple methodology for discipline, get trained to use it and then apply it consistently. This will decrease the number of times their child needs to test and will diminish the intensity of the testing. Children whose parents often use different strategies, use bribes or threats become very confused and unsure of themselves. It is for this reason that many parenting experts say that discipline makes children feel safe and secure.

One can liken children's feelings to the experience of hiking down a trail with very few trail signs or markers. It's confusing! Without clear signals to keep one on course, one is more likely to make wrong turns and get into trouble. This is what it's like for children as they try to learn the path of acceptable behaviour. When limits are unclear or inconsistent, children often steer off course and get into trouble, thus making mastery of acceptable behaviour very difficult and unsettling.

So, as you spend time with your child, remember what it is that they crave the most...mastery. Let's be concious of this and then make a decision to help them master their world with confidence and ease.


source: erinparenting.com